


Necessarily Caffeinated

by keelywolfe



Series: by any other name [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character(s), Sexual Content, Underfell Papyrus, Underswap Papyrus, Undertale Monsters on the Surface
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:22:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keelywolfe/pseuds/keelywolfe
Summary: Edge deserves all the coffee in the world for dealing with this shit. Antwan deserves a raise. Stretch deserves a spanking. Probably no one is going to get what they deserve.





	Necessarily Caffeinated

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, yeah, this AU again, the sequel no one asked for. I can't help myself, I'm too amused by it. Also, an excuse for sexytimes.

* * *

It was only a small coffee shop, scattered with a bare dozen tables. The walls were lined with shelves, showcasing various teas and coffees along with different travel mugs and ceramics. Most of the tables were full; people settled in with drinks alongside their laptops and books. Edge had taken one of the tables against the wall, his cup and his phone in front of him. 

Today was his day off, which meant he looked like a very tall and likely scary monster dressed in a great deal of leather. His bike was parked out front, his helmet secured to it. 

No one paid him any mind. This shop was close to the Monster community and there was a regular influx every time the bus stopped. Two other monsters were sitting at a table by the windows and they hardly glanced in his direction.

That was one of the reasons Edge liked this coffee shop, aside from the simple fact they had good coffee. He could still remember the morning when the barista asked if he wanted his usual. 

A child in a high chair was staring at him from across the room, her large brown eyes wide.

He stared back and when no one else was looking, he stuck his tongue out at her. Her eyes went wider until she was goggling comically and then crowed in delight, babbling to her mother when the woman absently hushed her.

Edge kept his smile to himself, returning his attention to his phone. The person he was meeting was late because of course he was; it wasn't like Edge had anything else to do on his day off.

As though summoned by unkind thoughts, the door to the shop swung open and the human barreled inside. He looked around somewhat wildly, relaxing when he saw Edge sitting at the table. "Sorry, sorry, the bus was running behind and—"

"No," Edge said firmly and the human froze, “you will go up to the counter and order a coffee first like a respectable person should. Then we can talk."

"Right. Right, yeah, coffee is good," the human, Jeff, wandered up to the counter. Edge watched him consider the menu, an obvious sign of someone who didn't frequent coffee shops. He was a recent college graduate so Edge suspected it was likely a student's lack of funds rather than an absent desire for caffeinating. 

The human frowned when the barista waved away his money and pointed to Edge. He didn't, quite, glare at Edge but he stuffed the bill into the tip jar almost defiantly.

Ah, yes, he could certainly see why Stretch liked him.

When he returned with his coffee, he was calmer, sitting across from Edge and rolling the cup between his hands. "So, you are a super difficult guy to get ahold of."

"I’m aware of that." Deliberately so; Edge had little interest in indulging humans in their curiosities, he left that to Stretch and his twitter account. He did, however, reward persistence and this human had shown it in spades. "But I've been informed that you wanted to talk to me."

"Yeah, I do," Jeff took a tentative sip from his cup, wincing at the heat. "'Cause see, I have this problem. I graduated about 6 months ago and started repaying my student loans when I got a job. Only, last month I go to pay them and they are paid off."

"That sounds like the opposite of a problem."

"You'd think. Did you pay them?" Jeff asked bluntly. Ah, Edge did appreciate a person who didn't dance around for answers.

"I did not," Edge said. It was not a lie, he hadn’t. The Department of Monster and Human relations at the Embassy had, at his request. He took a sip of his own coffee, rolling the dark liquid over his tongue; the special house blend, no sugar, nor even a trace of cream. Perfect. 

Jeff pressed his thumb and forefinger against the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache. That was also perfect; it was nice to see someone else get one for a change. "Okay, let’s try again. You didn’t pay them but you know who did?"

"Yes." He didn’t bother to prevaricate. If the human wanted the truth, Edge wasn't about to sugarcoat it. 

He looked stunned. "You guys, I mean, you can’t do that. You took care of my legal fees and I was cool with that. It wasn’t Stretch’s fault what happened but I could tell he felt responsible so that was okay. But this. You can’t—"

Edge only looked at him, unimpressed. There was still a faint yellow tinge around his eye, a remnant of his injury, "I believe we proved that we can, in fact."

"I don't want you to," Jeff snapped. He took a long swallow of his coffee and choked, apparently forgetting it was still extremely hot. His eyes were watering but it didn't stop him for rasping out. "I didn’t do it for money, okay?"

"No, you didn’t," Edge said evenly. He took a drink of his equally hot coffee simply because he could. There were advantages to internal organs that were comprised completely of magic. "You did it because you are a genuinely good person and wanted to do the right thing. The problem is, I am not a genuinely good person and I do not like being in debt to anyone, for any reason."

The human sighed. "Look, it’s just too much, okay?"

"Really?" Edge said. He propped his chin on his gloved hand. "Too much? Then you have a much lower value on life than I do."

"It's not like that, I was just trying to help. Stretch is a pretty cool guy."

"Do you not realize you saved his life?" Edge asked idly.

That got his attention. His eyes went wider and his mouth dropped open. "What?"

"If that creature on the bus had managed to hit him, it very likely would have killed him," Edge said, softly. Not information he generally cared to share. Also not information that couldn't be easily found on fucking Wikipedia. Stretch had very low HP but there were plenty of Monsters who wouldn't survive a single hit from a particularly aggressive human. "That is what I’m repaying."

"Fuck," Jeff breathed. "Okay, okay, I get it. You…you don't like a debt. I can get that. This is enough, though, okay? Debt repaid, it’s all good."

Edge nodded. "If you say so."

The human looked suspicious. Edge didn't blame him; in fact, he had a fine appreciation of a suspicious nature. As for his debt, well, Edge had none of the Sans's compunction about breaking promises and the only value he set in Stretch’s life was that it was priceless. Money, for him, was a cheap way of showing gratitude and due to their trade agreements with humans for their versions of technology, they had plenty to share. 

Smoothly, and to decisively take the human's mind off that, Edge added, "Well, if that’s all you wanted to discuss, I have a matter of my own to bring up."

His saddlebag was sitting on one of the chairs and Edge took a moment to rummage through it, removing a laminated card. He handed it to the human, who took it with an expression of confusion. "Stretch would like to see you; if that’s something you want. He’s banned from leaving the Monster Community currently. This is a temporary pass to allow you access to New New Home. It’s good for a month. Don’t disappoint me and I’ll see about getting you a permanent one."

The human stared at it for a long moment, raising wide, shocked eyes to Edge. "Are you serious?" he breathed, "No humans go into New New Home."

"Very few humans do," Edge corrected him, "as of today, you are one of them." He stood, tossing his empty cup into the nearby trash bin. "Come by for dinner sometime. Stretch would be delighted to see you, Andy."

Edge stopped and closed his sockets briefly, sighing in irritation. "My apologies, Jeff."

He grinned up at Edge, still clutching the laminated card, and leaned back in his chair, rocking up on the back legs in a posture that was remarkably similar to Stretch's. "Eh, it’s starting to grow on me."

* * *

Antwan's car was in the driveway when Edge pulled his motorcycle up.

It was a new car, sporty and gorgeous, a BMW i8 Roadster. Obviously, Edge was going to have to talk with finances on how much they were paying him—

"…would you _please_ fucking sign this?"

"i told you, ain’t signing anything."

\--because they probably owed him a raise. "Hello, Antwan," Edge said, closing the door behind him and hanging up his coat.

Stretch was sprawled on the sofa, just as he'd been when Edge left. Antwan was sitting in an armchair across from him and Edge imagined he'd began by sitting upright with the casual arrogance than only a truly competent lawyer could possess. Currently, he was slouching forward to lean on the coffee table, banging his forehead lightly against the wood.

"Can you get this idiot to sign this?" Antwan begged, his voice muffled into his folded arms.

"You’re overestimating my skills; I can’t even get him to keep his feet off the coffee table."

Antwan sat up, scrubbing both hands wearily over his face. "Stretch, if you don’t sign it, I can’t get them to lift the house arrest."

"you're breaking my heart," Stretch said dryly. He shifted to drape a long leg over the back of the sofa. "i'm not dropping the charges and i'm not signing any fucking apology, so the king can shove it back up his ass and ground me as long as he likes. do me a favor and remind him that he's not my real dad, okay?"

Well, it was nice to see that Antwan had made exactly zero progress since Edge had left. He set down his saddlebag and took a small plastic bag from it, setting it gently on Stretch's chest. His expression brightened immediately at the sight of the lemon bars and he tore open the bag like a damn animal, wolfing one down. "t'anks," he muttered through the crumbs.

"They miss you down at the Beanery," Edge told him, resisting the urge to smack him for his manners. "The barista said no one places orders like yours. They miss the challenge."

Stretch gave him a look that said he was not fooled by his blatant bribery, "i never actually liked coffee, it was all a lie. coffee sucks."

Antwan looked like someone had slapped his mother. With their dick. "Hey now, I know you’re in a mood but there’s no reason for that kind of blasphemy." 

He reached over to slap Stretch on the arm and Edge caught his hand, gently. “Don’t,” he said mildly.

"Sorry, man," Antwan held up his hands, "Sorry, I know better."

"he wasn't gonna fucking hurt me," Stretch grumbled. It was a well-worn argument between them all that no one was close to winning. He offered Antwan a lemon bar. 

Antwan took it and took an appreciative bite. "Also, if you could stop tweeting various videos of people singing 'fuck the police' and linking the Ebott Police to it, that’d be great."

"I talked him down to that," Edge sighed. He sat on the end of the sofa and pulled Stretch's leg off the back of it, settling his bare feet into his lap. "You don't want to know what he was going to do initially."

"Probably not. The one of the dogs barking it was disturbing. Stretch," Antwan sighed. "I love you, man, but you're killing me here." He slumped back into the armchair, chewing his lemon bar with unnecessary force. 

Edge rubbed his thumbs along Stretch's metatarsals, pulling a loud groan from him. "Antwan, are you staying for dinner?"

"You cooking?"

"Of course."

"Don’t ask stupid questions, then, that’s his job." He sighed again. "Look, man, I know you're pissed—"

"pissed? the jackhole who tried to kill me gets to walk and they want _me_ to sign an apology statement so that we can play all nicey nice with public opinion? fuck that. meanwhile, you had to go to court for andy to get the charges dropped. thanks for that by the way, i owe you one."

"Jeff," Edge and Antwan corrected in unison. Antwan went on, "And don't start on owing me one, it’s too late for me to start counting favors now. I went to law school like the fucking idiot I am, so I can’t even count that high."

"well, here’s a tip. when you run out of fingers, you can always use your toes."

"And here I thought that when Red moved out the ratio of bad jokes would go down," Edge murmured.

Antwan looked as if he was regretting many life choices. "Besides, I'm seeing Jeff tonight. If you got him his ID, I'll bring him next time I come by." He glared at Stretch. "Which will be tomorrow to get you to sign this fucking paper."

Stretch ignored that, sitting up for the first time. "wait, you're seeing him tonight?" His sockets went wide, his eye lights morphing into little hearts, "antwan, are you _dating_ andy?"

"His name is Jeff, give it up, man—"

"never."

"—and yeah, we’ve been hanging out ever since his case was dismissed and all the conflict of interest bullshit ceased to be."

Stretch gasped, "it all makes sense now! it was fate!! if i hadn’t gotten arrested with andy, you two would never have met!"

"Stretch, we aren’t soulmates, we're fucking," Antwan rolled his eyes. "Let's wait a little while before declaring us star-crossed lovers or some shit."

"How romantic," Edge said dryly. "In the future, please try to find boyfriends without killing mine." He gave Antwan an assessing look. "Isn’t Jeff a little young for you?"

"Only if you're a little young for Stretch."

"Touché"

"Also if you find a guy who could suck the shine off a penny, you keep that guy."

Edge nodded thoughtfully, "Yes, I can vouch for that one."

"okay, we aren't talking about our sex life, we are talking about antwan's." To Edge's amusement, there was a faint orange flush on Stretch's cheekbones. "all right, lover boy, tell you what. you admit to me that you and andy—"

"Jeff!"

"—andy are starcrossed lovers, and i will sign the fucking apology. i want video."

Antwan gave him a suspicious look, wary of an obvious trap, "And you'll stop with the twitter shitfest?"

"deal, but you call him andy in the video."

"You are the shittiest friend I have."

"you love it."

"No, but I love Edge's cooking and it almost makes up for it."

* * *

Hours later, with dinner eaten and Antwan out the door with a grim promise to return tomorrow with both the papers and the video, Edge sat sprawled back in the armchair, watching Stretch suck him.

The sight of his cock sliding into that mouth was always a lovely one. His sockets were closed as if Stretch was relishing the taste, his tongue plush and soft as he pressed it to the underside of Edge's cock. 

"See?" Edge whispered. He petted Stretch's skull gently. "You could take the shine off a penny with no trouble at all."

Stretch pulled off with an obscene sound and glared up at him. "i could suck the shine back on, you prick."

With eerie grace, Stretch slid into his lap, beautifully bare, and Edge ran his fingers over his ribs, following the delicate line of his spine down to his pelvis. Edge was still fully dressed, only his pants open, and the leather creaked as Stretch settled over him. Slim, cool fingertips rested on his cock, holding him steady as Stretch sank down.

They both made a soft sound as Edge slid into the slick welcome of his cunt, Stretch a gentle whine and Edge a low, guttural groan. Slowly, Edge rocked his hips up, every unhurried thrust carrying him deeper. Until Stretch was sitting on his femurs, quivering with effort, his face buried into Edge's shoulder.

Edge stilled, reaching up to catch Stretch by the chin and forcing his head up until he could look at him. His sockets were limned with tears, pale orange trickling down and gently, Edge lapped it away, tasting salt and the sweetness of Stretch's magic.

"don't," Stretch whimpered. "don't look at me."

"I always want to look at you," Edge said, low. "Fucking beautiful. Beautiful when I'm fucking you. Always."

He settled his hands on Stretch's pelvis, pulling him down as he raised his own hips, rocking gently into him. He could smell the headiness of their sex, the sweet-spiciness of their magic mingling, and inhaled it deeply. Stretch was resisting his hold, trying to speed them up and Edge tightened his grip. 

"faster," Stretch begged, his voice thin and cracking.

"No. Like this," Edge whispered, and Stretch gave a low sob. "Just like this."

Slowly, the luxurious inward slide, the careful withdrawal, and again, moving inside the slickness of Stretch's cunt, feeling it ripple around him. Stretch was a tangle of desperation and need against him, his mouth catching Edge's, his tongue moving like pornography. 

"oh, fuck," Stretch whimpered against his teeth, and he was quivering, shaking.

"There?" Edge pushed up a little harder, searching for that same spot.

"ah! fuck, there, there, you…oh, fuck…" Soft and sweet as a prayer. His next thrust was a little harder, Stretch's pleading a low thread of sound, a hot rasp of breath close to his skull. Stretch was fumbling between them, his normally clever fingers moving with the blind gracelessness of desperation. Stroking his own cock, too hard, ignoring Edge's rhythm. It was jarring, imperfect and enchanting, and Edge watched greedily as Stretch convulsed against him, head tipped back and his cheekbones flushing, spilling hot magic in spurts over his own fist. 

"Beautiful," Edge growled. He thrust up hard, the pulse of his own orgasm washing over him. He wanted to watch, needed to see Stretch's pleasure as it matched his own, couldn't keep his sockets open. He caught Stretch's mouth in a fierce kiss instead, twining their tongues together. "Beautiful," he murmured again while Stretch was still pliant against him, while he'd still allow it.

It never lasted long enough. Stretch pulled away to nuzzle soft kisses into his cervical vertebrae, neatly avoiding Edge's attempts to take his mouth again. Ah, well. He sighed, contented, and Stretch mirrored it, the rush of his breath damp and warm. 

All too soon, Stretch stirred, sitting up in his lap to pluck at Edge's come-stained shirt in distaste. "next time antwan comes over, i’m telling him we fucked in this chair."

Edge smirked at him. "Antwan is a lawyer. He knows we’ve fucked in this chair."

"quit spoiling my fun." Stretch slid off his lap, crawling over to the coffee table to snag his cigarettes. Almost, Edge admonished him for smoking inside, hesitating when Stretch muttered, words blurred around the cigarette, "i'll sign the fucking thing, but i'm not sorry."

"No one thinks you are," Edge said dryly. "Trust me."

"you can laugh all you want, but you aren't the one selling your dignity in the name of public relations." Edge said nothing and Stretch sighed, running an agitated hand over his skull, "i'm sorry, that wasn't fair. i know you've had to do a ton of shit that you didn't like, it's just…it's not fair."

"It's not."

"jeff could have gotten in an assload of trouble for helping me if antwan hadn't stepped up. he could have ruined his fucking life."

"You mean Andy?" Edge asked, amused.

"fuck off," Stretch groaned, flopping down onto the floor. His bones were stark against the blue of the carpet, pearly-white and tempting. Edge rubbed a booted foot against his femur, leather scraping bone. That earned him a hooded look, Stretch's eye lights widening. 

"oh, i'm sorry, were we not done?" Stretch purred. He ran his tongue slowly along his teeth, dragging the hand holding his cigarette down his own ribs, rasping softly. 

Edge rolled down to the floor, shoving between Stretch's legs. He snatched away the cigarette, pinching it out between his knuckles and flinging it away. He could taste Stretch's laughter as he pressed their mouths together, the delicate bones of his wrists twisting in his grip as he forced them to the floor. 

"Fucking beautiful," Edge pulled back to growl down at him. Stretch smirked up at him, dragging his bare feet up the backs of Edge's leather-clad legs. 

"prove it."

-finis-


End file.
